Thankful

The theme of thanks is very prevalent this time of year.

How could I be anything but thankful for my wonderful family and all the amazing opportunities I've been given.

Yet some part of me still wonders if people assume I'm bitter because I have to live around my autism.

I'm here to dispel every part of that myth.

I don't live around my autism.

I live very wholeheartedly WITH it.

There are tough days, but I'm thankful I found a way to communicate with those around me.

I'm thankful that my support system is the strongest I've ever seen.

So if you asked me if I'm bitter, I would tell you that being bitter just takes away from all the flavor life has to offer.

And if you asked me if I'm grateful, you would be met with a resounding yes!

A Simple Choice

I think people underestimate the importance of being able to make their own choices.

When you don't have trouble saying yes or no, you don't realize how many times a day you use those words.

I hope the world gives me the opportunity to say them.

To say yes, I want to be your friend.

Or even no, I don't want ketchup on that.

I suppose the world has the option not to accept me.

But I want to make their choice easy.

They will respond to me with a resounding "yes"!!

High School

You are probably wondering what I'm doing now.  I've been having some difficulties adjusting to high school.  You really yearn to hear that everything is perfect.  Having some hard time spelling with all my new people.  Many of them are well intentioned, but they are expecting too much too soon.  We might school them more to help them try some different things.  Being the only kid they've ever had who is completely nonverbal has presented them with some new challenges.  Feel that it is going to work out eventually.  Gets easier to spell with my new aide almost every day.  She is so nice and patient, even when I'm aggressive.  Going to try with her so getting good grades can become possible.

Had about three other things that I wanted to tell you about.  Got to really like my math class.  Having two great teachers in math needed to happen so I would have a chance to succeed.  This used to be something my parents thought would be really hard for me to do without being able to write, but we've figured out it with using a laminated board with some of the most important math symbols on it.  Math is now Mom's favorite thing to do with me.  Can't everyone understand real school sees that I'm intelligent.  More kids need the chance I've been given.

It didn't go well in my Global class at first.  Got in trouble for not participating.  He said I was being insubordinate.  My parents had to go and meet with all my teachers and teach them more about autism.  They didn't understand that very often I'm suffering.  Want to participate, but my autism won't let me.  My Global teacher has been so much more patient and understanding since that meeting and faces people and sticks up for his autistic student.  Best class now.

Lastly, I want to tell you about my Homecoming dance.  The dance was so much fun.  Wanted to stay longer, but paid aide needed to leave.  Needed really not much supervision, but it was nice having her to walk around with.  My sister danced lots with me and we took pictures together.  Weekend was the the greatest.

I'm so happy I'm experiencing the whole high school machine.  Going to high school was a scary prospect.  Big things changed, but I'm doing my best to adapt.  Having fun while I do it.  Can't wait for spelling to come easier - then I will prove I belong.

Accepting being autistic has been hard for me.  Getting various therapies has helped me a lot, but there is no cure for autism.  Growing up with the knowledge that having a happy life would be hard.  Miss out on so many things such as learning to drive, meeting young men, and marrying someone.  

Having my parents having to help me with so many things still is embarrassing.  The really sad thing is I can do all these things in my head, but I just can't get my body to cooperate.  My wish is that doing things for myself soon becomes easier.  Shame that meeting this wish is going to take so much work.  

Meeting my goals is important.  Used to think that talking was the most important thing to be able to do.  I really don't know if I will ever talk, but all my thoughts at least have value now.  Maybe someday you will hear my actual voice, but for now I'm typing loud and clear.  

Mom and lots of people can type with me.  I'm looking forward to typing with some new people when I start high school.  I've had a tough summer because I've been so nervous about how I would do at South.  Mom has helped me get over my nerves.  Now I'm mostly just excited basically.

The Heat Is On

My nerves have been a little too edgy lately.

They leave me feeling like I can't relax.

But it's because I'm too relaxed.

The summer sun has my brain fried like an egg on the sidewalk.

The languid heat makes my life move slower than molasses.

I'm drowning in the sticky sweetness.

There definitely is too much of a good thing.

And now I'm stuck in limbo.

Do I want to stay where I'm bored or rush toward an overwhelming future?

Where is the middle ground?

How can I light a fire under time?

And how can I make time freeze when summer is so hot?

Piece of Mind

Sometimes, I contradict myself.

I've worked so hard to get my thoughts out.

I've said I want to be an open book.

But sometimes, I wish I had more privacy.

Everyone I know, knows everything about me, except all I wish they knew.

I want to talk about interests, not actions.

I want to talk about my mind, not my body, and what it does and why.

I feel like I'm inside out.

I hope one day my mind will spill over and out.

My head is a very interesting place, and people deserve to go there with me.

I wish my body was more my own, but everyone can have a piece of my mind.

My body ad my mind are restless,

But in different ways.

Sometimes I can't stop my body,

Most of the time, I don't want to stop my mind.

Maybe just slow it a bit here and there.

What I want most is understanding 

Of myself,

By myself,

For myself,

And for everyone else.

I want to be self-explanatory in a sense.

I want to know myself well enough to know others and the world around me.

I want my journey of self discovery to start now.

Mazes

My life is made up of mazes.

I navigate my mind,

We all navigate my actions.

Something as simple as a schedule change can throw off my carefully choreographed dance.

Some physical annoyance can throw up a wall in front of me and make me want to run away.

I hate the mazes, but I love the journey.

I hate having to try so hard, but I love trying.

I love succeeding.

I love finding the secret passages out of the mazes that used to trap me.

I feel freer every day I try.

Free Fall

Summer reminds me that I'm in free fall.

Free from obligations, but it's fulfilling my responsibilities that makes me shine.

The fall is a sensory overload.

Every moment of excitement or concern for the future is like a gust of wind I can feel rushing past my face and into my mind.

It all touches me so deeply.

Sometimes I want to fight it - the stagnant summer and what comes after.

Sometimes I want to freeze the free fall or fast forward to a time of peace and knowledge.

But the ground is fast approaching..

So I should enjoy my moment of flight.

All my hard work has already broken my fall and let my wings unfurl.

I'm ready to fly...

Or at least hit the ground running.

This blog is making me think about my life. People of our world take uttering sentences for granted.  I make noises, but I've never spoken a sentence in my life.  It is painful to not be making my thoughts known as they come to me.  I'm able to think like anyone else but I need someone to type with me.  It makes me so mad that pointing is the only way I'm able to communicate.

The world right now should really start listening to the bright young autistics who have managed to learn how to type their thoughts and opinions.  The world needs to understand that we are teachers.  Give what we say credence.  Being year after year treated like I wasn't understanding what was going on around me was horrible.  I can't stand the idea of other kids enduring that for the rest of their lives.  Your soul starts to break.  Don't having tantrums tell you something?  We are locked in bodies that betray us.  I'm the person who found a way out and my soul is healing.  Won't you back me up and get people to read my blog so they stop treating autistics the way they do?

Kaylie's 8th Grade Graduation

Pink is my favorite store.  My clothes from there make my body look better than clothes from other stores.  This is probably something you wouldn't think that I would care about, but I think about how I look because I'm like any other teenager.  People think standing in front is important, but I'm more comfortable in the back.  Very much wish that having autism didn't mean that instead of being pretty, I always look messy because the normal things like going to the bathroom to check my appearance doesn't come easy for me.  Mom makes me look nice most mornings, but by the time I come home I'm a mess.  

Big things coming next year.  I'm heading to high school.

Being autistic and going to a regular high school is not going to be easy.  At my current school my classroom is a safe haven.  Going to a high school that may not be used to my type of autism.  Miss Parcheta earns the award as the best aide in the world.  I'm afraid I won't find someone similar in my new school.  That might be the difference between success and failure.  Basically might be luck of the draw.  Miss Parcheta might be missed too because always feel safe when she's around like she's my protector.  Being autistic has been incredibly challenging, but I've made lots more progress than most.  People are starting to believe in my ability to get my high school diploma.  Think seeing me type has unusual affect on people.  They want to become a part in my story.  

This past week I took my trip to Austin to work with Soma.  You probably think that since I'm typing my own blog, our time with Soma does not need to continue, but there lately are lots of things to really improve on.  All I really want is to be able to type independently.  More learning goes into making that happen.  Mom lately picks up and holds my keyboard while I type.  This isn't your perfect scenario.  Think about having to have someone next to you every time you want to say something.  It really sucks. 

This visit with Soma we worked the whole time with my keyboard down on the table.  It was hard.  I'm making progress though.  Think it has to make people more willing to believe more that what I'm typing are my own thoughts.  Love working with Soma.  She is my favorite person outside my family.  Soma loves working with people like me.  We managed to make a lot of progress.  Outside of working with Soma, my family, minus my sister Emma, made our time in Austin really fun.  We've really gotten good at vacationing.  

Soma's school was like my dream.  You think we name wanting to speak as most wanted basic skill, but the having an ability to comment on what's going on in our lives is actually what's most important.  Soma has given me and many other kids many more great lives.  Back before I worked with Soma my life was manifesting as world in which having an opinion didn't matter, because making that opinion known was impossible.  Don't think amazing breakthroughs would have come without Mom trying RPM and meeting Soma.  I wanted to show Soma how far I'd come thanks to her.  Making the trip to Austin using up my Christmas was great.  I'd care that it was over, but I have a gift for telling the future and I know i will see Soma again.

This past week, school really took sometimes Dad's encouraging words to work my way through some painful situations.  We got a substitute teacher one time in my Spanish class.  I was keeping on making many of my favorite stim noises.  More whiny than anything else.  The teacher longed for week to be over and wasn't using her intelligence, giving me an embarrassing moment during class.  She made the comment I'm making noises that sound like an animal.  People peg me as someone without feelings, but I'm actually very like most people.  When I heard her say that, I'm sure I never felt worse to be pointed out to the teacher in most terrible way.  

You might think that when that glaring mistake was made that the other students might have told my teacher what happened.  When she got to school a bunch of kids told her, and she angrily told the principal.  She said no hiring that substitute again.  Glad to hear that news.  My classmates were the most supportive.  They felt really bad that my day was ruined by that ignorant teacher.  When I got home that night, I wrote a poem about what happened that made lots of people send me encouraging comments after my mom posted about it on Facebook.  Made me feel a lot better.  Maybe the teacher saw the post and felt embarrassed.  That would be poetic justice.

(The poem Kaylie wrote):

Today I was called an animal.
Do you think an animal has something on me?
People speak of cat like reflexes and eagle eye views.
My body may not listen, but I do.
I might not be able to fly, but my mind can soar to places most people's can't.
So next time you hear me make an animal noise,
Make sure you don't make an ass of yourself.

Thinking about time treating me well lately.  You probably are really interested in what I'm up to.  Haven't written a blog post in awhile because I've been busy with homework and my activities.  More home isn't as boring as it used to be now.  Homework is something to do lately.  I've tried to work my watching tv.  Slowly getting better at sitting through a whole tv show on Netflix.  I'm watching Lemony Snicket's Series of Unfortunate Events.  It is really most entertaining.  Please watch it.  Summing up the plot is easy.  It's got mostly silly characters and is another fantasy type story.  Must watch the whole series to see what happens.  My mom is liking it too.  Soon the series will end so I need suggestions for something new to watch.  Comment what you have watched.