Sunday, August 20, 2017

Accepting being autistic has been hard for me.  Getting various therapies has helped me a lot, but there is no cure for autism.  Growing up with the knowledge that having a happy life would be hard.  Miss out on so many things such as learning to drive, meeting young men, and marrying someone.  

Having my parents having to help me with so many things still is embarrassing.  The really sad thing is I can do all these things in my head, but I just can't get my body to cooperate.  My wish is that doing things for myself soon becomes easier.  Shame that meeting this wish is going to take so much work.  

Meeting my goals is important.  Used to think that talking was the most important thing to be able to do.  I really don't know if I will ever talk, but all my thoughts at least have value now.  Maybe someday you will hear my actual voice, but for now I'm typing loud and clear.  

Mom and lots of people can type with me.  I'm looking forward to typing with some new people when I start high school.  I've had a tough summer because I've been so nervous about how I would do at South.  Mom has helped me get over my nerves.  Now I'm mostly just excited basically.


Saturday, August 5, 2017

The Heat Is On

My nerves have been a little too edgy lately.

They leave me feeling like I can't relax.

But it's because I'm too relaxed.

The summer sun has my brain fried like an egg on the sidewalk.

The languid heat makes my life move slower than molasses.

I'm drowning in the sticky sweetness.

There definitely is too much of a good thing.

And now I'm stuck in limbo.

Do I want to stay where I'm bored or rush toward an overwhelming future?

Where is the middle ground?

How can I light a fire under time?

And how can I make time freeze when summer is so hot?





Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Piece of Mind

Sometimes, I contradict myself.

I've worked so hard to get my thoughts out.

I've said I want to be an open book.

But sometimes, I wish I had more privacy.

Everyone I know, knows everything about me, except all I wish they knew.

I want to talk about interests, not actions.

I want to talk about my mind, not my body, and what it does and why.

I feel like I'm inside out.

I hope one day my mind will spill over and out.

My head is a very interesting place, and people deserve to go there with me.

I wish my body was more my own, but everyone can have a piece of my mind.
My body ad my mind are restless,

But in different ways.

Sometimes I can't stop my body,

Most of the time, I don't want to stop my mind.

Maybe just slow it a bit here and there.

What I want most is understanding 

Of myself,

By myself,

For myself,

And for everyone else.

I want to be self-explanatory in a sense.

I want to know myself well enough to know others and the world around me.

I want my journey of self discovery to start now.

Friday, July 14, 2017

Mazes

My life is made up of mazes.

I navigate my mind,

We all navigate my actions.

Something as simple as a schedule change can throw off my carefully choreographed dance.

Some physical annoyance can throw up a wall in front of me and make me want to run away.

I hate the mazes, but I love the journey.

I hate having to try so hard, but I love trying.

I love succeeding.

I love finding the secret passages out of the mazes that used to trap me.

I feel freer every day I try.

Friday, July 7, 2017

Free Fall

Summer reminds me that I'm in free fall.

Free from obligations, but it's fulfilling my responsibilities that makes me shine.

The fall is a sensory overload.

Every moment of excitement or concern for the future is like a gust of wind I can feel rushing past my face and into my mind.

It all touches me so deeply.

Sometimes I want to fight it - the stagnant summer and what comes after.

Sometimes I want to freeze the free fall or fast forward to a time of peace and knowledge.

But the ground is fast approaching..

So I should enjoy my moment of flight.

All my hard work has already broken my fall and let my wings unfurl.

I'm ready to fly...

Or at least hit the ground running.



Tuesday, June 13, 2017

This blog is making me think about my life. People of our world take uttering sentences for granted.  I make noises, but I've never spoken a sentence in my life.  It is painful to not be making my thoughts known as they come to me.  I'm able to think like anyone else but I need someone to type with me.  It makes me so mad that pointing is the only way I'm able to communicate.

The world right now should really start listening to the bright young autistics who have managed to learn how to type their thoughts and opinions.  The world needs to understand that we are teachers.  Give what we say credence.  Being year after year treated like I wasn't understanding what was going on around me was horrible.  I can't stand the idea of other kids enduring that for the rest of their lives.  Your soul starts to break.  Don't having tantrums tell you something?  We are locked in bodies that betray us.  I'm the person who found a way out and my soul is healing.  Won't you back me up and get people to read my blog so they stop treating autistics the way they do?

Kaylie's 8th Grade Graduation